Cherry Blossom Candy Leaf

"Che" Guevara

Michelangelo

Princess Diana

William Shakespeare

Amelia Earhart

Daniel Boone

Queen Mary, a.k.a. Bloody Mary

Jackson Pollack

Thomas Edison

Muhammad Ali

Rosa Parks

Lyndon Baines Johnson

Mia Hamm

and Queen Elizabeth

After our weeklong presentations, I picked four students to go on to the school wide incredible person speech contest based on 10 criteria, which included volume, enunciation, poise, knowledge, character role and content, to name a few. The winners were...

Rosa Parks, Muhammad Ali, Queen Mary, and William Shakespeare.

Teachers from the lower grades decided upon the two finalists who would go on to the final district competition. They chose...

Queen Mary

and King Tut, a student from another class.


But they were all recognized for their tremendous efforts.

From left to right, me, King Tut, Queen Mary, the other Princess Diana, William Shakespeare, Anne Frank, Muhammad Ali, Andre the Giant, Rosa Parks, and Kathryn.


This is a tremendously long process, getting from point A to point B, but it is well worth it. The kids love it and they get a lot of valuable life experiences and lessons. Among these are that
-some people always win and deserve it
-most people lose even if they work hard
-no matter how hard you practice, stage fright can work against you
-the qualities of a good public speaker, that they were graded on, are important to remember and use in life
-winning is not necessarily the goal for most, it is writing a report and getting up in front of everyone
-it's important to support our peers when they are presenting because we know how it feels to be nervous
-some optional aspects, like a costume or other props, can sometimes help a presentation
-research, writing, and presenting take months of work
-learning about incredible people, will teach us what it takes to be incredible
-some incredible people are famous for evil things
and the list goes on.

When Marilyn was feeling better we decided to go camping in Carpinteria. We reserved the campsite 6 months in advance and decided that it might be good for us even if we had to return each day. We came back home one day to see Marilyn, but it was nice to get away. We rode our bikes and relaxed at the beach. We had a campfire each night and thought about Marilyn a lot. The night time was the hardest even though we were hopeful that she would pull out of this. Bula enjoyed the trip the most. He barked at all the dogs and rolled around in the grass at the campsite. Our last night we had dinner where we got married. Here are some pictures from our trip.











Here is a video I recorded as the sun set. Ben and I were babbling about something...



On Wednesday we took our little brother Danny and his friend Charlie to Magic Mountain. Below is a video from one of the roller coasters we went on. I had no idea that Danny and Charlie would be throwing coins at the other passengers. They really are good boys, I swear.



On Thursday, Ben and I took Danny to see Wicked. Marilyn asked us to take him even though she has been looking forward to it for months. She loves anything that has to do with The Wizard of Oz. It was bitter sweet being at the show. The show was fantastic. The girls who played Elphaba, the Wicked Witch of the West, and Glinda were awesome. It was such a great story about what happened before Dorothy landed in Oz. I highly recommend it and the price is reasonable.

Today, the nurse confirmed what Ben and I have been feeling and thinking for some time. She says that Marilyn is dying (Keith says the nurse told him that last year when she had an infection. He added that she's a good nurse, but negative.) Marilyn is still being fed through an I.V., so she has not stopped fighting. Because of this, we know that the life she is living now can go on for months. Ben is not ready to let her go and he cannot make himself say that it's o.k. if she doesn't want to fight anymore. He doesn't think he will ever be ready to say it. Marilyn is sleeping a lot more and is getting up with some help every hour or so to go to the bathroom. She is wearing a diaper just in case. She is breathing rather rapidly. She is cold because the blood seems to be making its way to her vital organs rather than her limbs. She has sores in and on her mouth. She is gritting her teeth which leads me to think that she is uncomfortable or in pain. Her feet, legs, and belly are really swollen from the cancer and the I.V. Her back gets hard when she's hooked up to the I.V. She throws up anything that she tries to drink. She has not eaten a meal in at least a month.

Today I went over there to spend time with her before Keith came home from work. I layed in bed with her trying to come up with something profound to say, but there isn't anything. I just keep telling her that we all love her so much. I also tell her that I respect her strength and courage. I want to tell her that she will always be the woman that Ben loves first and most, even if I'm a close second, but I can't seem to say it. When I arrived today, Barbara, Keith's mom, was upstairs with Marilyn. She wanted me to go downstairs so Marilyn could rest, but Marilyn wanted me to stay. It made me feel good that she wanted me to stay. I watch her as she sleeps and it is hard to put into words what it is that I'm looking for. I want to see something familiar, but I can barely recognize her. She looks so different and old. When I went to the Annie Liebovitz exhibit, she had some photos taken of a lifelong friend named Susan who battled cancer twice. There were pictures of her as a vibrant woman, traveling the world. The last photos were of her in the casket in her favorite dress. She looked like she was 100 years old. I remember staring at the picture, too, trying to find something recognizable. I couldn't believe this was the same person. It seems like de-ja-vu.

It's strange. Even with Marilyn's diagnosis, I never thought that the disease might kill her. Because I never had to see it with my own grandparents or anyone who I was close to, I still feel like my understanding of sickness and death is like that of a first grader. The possibility that Marilyn won't make it is very real and it makes me feel different. I don't know if Ben will ever be happy again and if he isn't, will I ever be? Will watching this happen change us forever? Is that selfish? I want to be innocent and naive: it's easier. Every day as Marilyn continues to fight, unable to change what her body is doing to her, the further away I get from the way I was. And if I can't be the old me, how can I expect to ever see Ben dance around in his underwear or kiss Bula on the mouth when he thinks I'm not looking?

Below you will find pictures of the Easter tree I made for Marilyn. It was good to have my mind on this project. I blew out the insides of eggs and decoupaged tissue paper stars on them. Then I glued bows on top and hung the eggs from the tree branches. The "tree" part is actual tree branches. I glued tissue paper flowers and berries on the branches. Then I put the branches in a jar with green marbles. I really liked the way it turned out and Marilyn liked it, too.

Marilyn isn't doing well. It is too hard to put into words. We are sad and think about her all the time. Ben is heart broken. He is so close to his mom.

I should have known that today would be better than yesterday. When I was leaving work early for the 5th or 6th straight day, something tiny and delightful caught my eye. A two month old chihuahua named Paco crossed my path. Weighing less than a pound, the creature was adorable. I stopped to take a photo before I ran off to Marilyn's.



On the drive, I try to prepare myself for what I will see or the emotions I will experience. I stopped at home and Ben was walking Bula. He informed me that Keith's parents will be coming out on Saturday and staying indefinitely. We have some comfort in knowing that Keith, Danny, and hopefully Marilyn, too, will be eating delicious dinners and desserts! Also, a nurse will be coming for 12 weeks starting on Monday so we can really be with Marilyn and have some guidance as to how to best support her. We will worry less knowing that when we are at work, she won't get bed sores or have a need that is not met. In addition, Keith has requested some sort of intravenous feeding device. I don't know how Marilyn feels about that, but I can tell you that she is still fighting. She wants to see Danny grow up, along with her grandchildren. Finally, Marilyn's cancer cell count has gone down, so we are led to believe that maybe she had a virus or something that was dismissed as the effects of cancer. These, along with puppy sightings, are good news.

When we arrived around 4 this afternoon, Marilyn and Jeremy, Ben's brother were both sleeping. Marilyn has not slept soundly in weeks. She was out for about 3 hours and when she woke up, she was smiling and looked a million times better. She got herself up to go to the bathroom with a little help pushing the I.V. from Ben. In the bathroom, she picked up Danny's boxers and adjusted towels. She asked me to do her a favor. She wants Ben and me to take Danny to the Wicked show this Thursday because she's not sure if she'll feel up to it. I know that she really wanted to go and if she isn't well enough to do that, we are happy that she was well enough to request it. After all, she has not spoken much this last week. She did not throw up after 1 p.m. today.

We truly hope that this is not the calm before the storm. We actually wish that whatever was making her sick was just a bug that she was unable to fight off because of a weak immune system. Keith's goal is to get her going on the chemo again, even though she has tried every treatment. He is hopeful that the doctors will be able to make a mixture of several treatments that will prolong her life. So now, we need to ensure she gets strong enough to do that. Hopefully she will eat something tomorrow.

We know that this sudden and sweet improvement may be temporary, but we are grateful for it. The sadness that has surrounded us these last few days is unbearable and all consuming. It's been impossible not to think about Marilyn all day at work when there's nothing I can do for her there. Marilyn also went to the cemetery on Tuesday to see where she might want to be buried if she doesn't make it and the thought of that drive with Keith is really too much to understand.

I've spent a lot of time with Danny this week and I just love him so much. I don't think he understands what is going on because he has seen his mom sick for so long. But he has seen a lot of tears this week and has wondered about the severity of it all. Anyone who has ever seen their dad cry for the first time knows how life changing that can be. It is hard to know what he is thinking because he's a teenager and a boy. He has talked to Ben a little bit.

The last few weeks have been quite difficult for us. Ben's mom, Marilyn, who has been battling ovarian cancer for almost 7 years now has been very sick. We are trying to remain strong for her as we prepare for the worst and continue to hope for the best. She has been unable to do chemo as her body, it seems, is rejecting itself and the many years of treatment. She has been in the hospital and is now at home, trying to rest. She has to do chemo in order to survive, but because she has been unable to eat for many days now, her strength is not at its optimum. We have been rallying around her, taking shifts or spending days together in her room. She is being urged to be quiet as a means of resting and getting stronger. She is not talking much, so we just sit in the darkness with her so she is not alone. We are all at our breaking point, but Ben and I are strong in her presence. Otherwise, we, too, are devastated by our own questions, the uncertainty before us, and Marilyn's pain. We are scared for her and wish that the pain would ease up and that she could keep something down. We have cried each night, but continue to believe that this is not it.

Ben and I realize that we need one another. When he is sad, I try to be strong and vice versa. The other day, Danny, Ben's little brother gave us our wedding video and we are reminded of the commitment we made, in good times and bad. After reading this entry, it is my hope that this video will bring you some cheer, as well.